


A Phoenix Rises

by VerityGrahams



Series: Ballycastle Bats - QLFC - Season 6 - Chaser 3 [14]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Begging, Death, Death Eaters, Explosions, F/M, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Lily Evans Potter Lives, Minor Character Death, Spy Severus Snape, Terrorism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-11-01 22:37:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20530760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerityGrahams/pseuds/VerityGrahams
Summary: I'm looking out of the window, and I can see her. She's laughing and smiling with her friend, Mary. Another Mudblood - scratch that - Muggle-born. Despite my choice, despite being happy with my new family and sense of belonging, I'll always regret losing her. That is why I'll become more powerful than any wizard. I'll be so strong that she will come to me and she will love me more than any other. More than Potter. I'll keep her safe from the darkness, she will see me. I watch, and I can see her leaning against the platform wall with her parents. She's right in the danger zone. I'm not allowed to stop her, and going against orders isn't smart.





	A Phoenix Rises

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I do not own Harry Potter
> 
> AU - The circumstances for Severus changing sides mainly.
> 
> Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition.
> 
> Ballycastle Bats - Chaser 3
> 
> Main Prompt: Phoenix - Write about someone turning over a new leaf or being "reborn" metaphorically.
> 
> Optional Prompts:
> 
> 13\. [Action] - getting down on one's knee/s
> 
> 14\. [Role] - Spy
> 
> 15\. [Sound] - Explosion
> 
> Wordcount: 2890/3000

A Phoenix Rises

It's the start of my sixth year at Hogwarts. Things have changed a lot since my first year. I had a best friend and a relatively clear conscience, but now I have nothing. Somewhere along the line, I have given myself over to the dark hatred that grew inside me. I'm not entirely sure if my hatred is for Muggles or maybe just the world. All I know is, I'm filled with darkness and hate. Last year things got worse. I remember feeling that last shred of light slipping away, and then, in a fit of rage, I threw it away; I threw her, my best friend - my only friend, away with a single word..._Mudblood._ I have both magic and Muggle within me. I wonder if that's why I hate my father because he defiles me? Or do I hate Muggles because my father mercilessly beat me? Throwing her away left me more vulnerable than I was before. I say vulnerable, but I feel stronger now. I have a family and a purpose. I lost her, but I have gained so much.

I gained a mark over the summer, and considering the price I paid, it must be highly valuable. He does not give his mark freely, we are required to pay with blood for the privilege. This mark on my arm, it cost my soul, in killing my father, there is a part of me that is irreparably damaged. Not just a part of me, but my very soul. There is no going back now, today will make certain of that. I sit on the train because I know what will happen on Platform Nine and Three Quarters. I'm not to be a part of the execution, but I was involved in the planning. He had been impressed with the potion that I had devised; it ensured casualties.

I'm looking out of the window, and I can see her. She's laughing and smiling with her friend, Mary. Another Mudblood - scratch that - Muggle-born. Despite my choice, despite being happy with my new family and sense of belonging, I'll always regret losing her. That is why I'll become more powerful than any wizard. I'll be so strong that she will come to me and she will love me more than any other. More than Potter. I'll keep her safe from the darkness, she will see me. I watch, and I can see her leaning against the platform wall with her parents. She's right in the danger zone. I'm not allowed to stop her, and going against orders isn't smart. I have seen what happens to those who make mistakes - I will make none. I lean against the glass begging her to move. I watch the clock, and then her again, the seconds tick down, and she doesn't move.

The sound is deafening, more so than I thought it would be. The potion is a potent mix of Belladonna and finely ground Erumpent Horn. When it finally boils over, it creates a far bigger explosion than I could have imagined. I wonder how liquid can undo stone and flesh so easily, even though I devised it with that in mind. I watch as her father jumps in front of her, protecting her from most of the blast. Lily will still be burnt, but he just bought her survival with his own life. The contrast between him and me stings. I never realised there would be so much carnage; bricks and luggage explode, the debris like coloured rocks falling from the sky, injuring those who are outside of the blast radius.

I stay where I am as I watch the commotion, the aftermath of the explosion. There's a big difference between talking about publicising one's views and seeing the attack in action. I can't move. I just look at the strewn injured and even the dead bodies. Bodies that I am to blame for. But none of them strike me like hers; her red hair fanned out, a deeper red seeping from beneath her, blood. It's red, not dark like the horrible name entailed. Only one thought crosses my mind as I watch her bleed - '_what have I done?'_

* * *

She's been unconscious for hours. Her father is dead. Her mother is dead. She only has her sister now, a sister that hates her. And me, she will always have me, if she will allow it. I'm delusional of course - she can never want me, no matter how convincing my remorse. I killed her parents, the nicest Muggles I knew. I know that she will never forgive me, I know there is nothing I can do. Do I try? Or do I fall into the darkness and be consumed by it? Slowly her eyelashes begin to flutter, and I see those bright green irises. They look off into the distance, unfocused.

"Lily," I whisper.

She looks at me, confused, or maybe she is frowning. Perhaps I am the last person that she wants to see.

"You're in the Hospital Wing," I explain.

"My parents?" she asks, tears welling up, she already knows the answer.

I merely shake my head. I can't handle the anguished cry that follows as it rips through her throat. I can almost feel every ounce of her pain. Her bandaged arms cover her bruised and burnt face as she continues to sob. I have no idea what to do.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, a lump forming in my throat. Lily's parents had meant a great deal to me, they had been kind.

I have no idea if Lily even heard me, she's too absorbed in her own grief, her heart literally breaking in front of me. Lily's family is not like mine. Her mother doesn't look the other way while her father beats the children. Her father goes out to work each day, he does his best to provide for his family. He's the kind of dad that read bedtime stories - Tobias Snape was not. They were happy, wealthy, loving. They were everything. And what makes what I did so much worse, they invited me into that world.

I have been sat with her for a while now, she sobs and my hand rests gently on her shoulder. It says; 'I'm here, I care, please forgive me'. Her cries subside, and she turns in the bed to face me.

"Do you see now?" she asks. "You can't join them, Sev."

I only nod, knowing that this conversation is likely to seal my fate.

"It's okay, you don't need them. You just need to get away from Macnair and Avery. You don't have to join them."

She's still crying, but she smiles at me. It's like she sees hope in the situation like my redemption is the good that can come from this tragedy.

"You don't understand," I whisper. I watch her eyes harden, and she pulls away from me. "I'm trapped."

She's smiling, but it's clear that she still doesn't understand. I move my hand from her shoulder, turning it so she can see the inside of my forearm. I have to scrunch my eyes shut, as I pull up my robes. The Dark Mark. The mark that I had paid such a high price for. In my mind's eye, I see her revulsion and disgust at what I have allowed myself to become. I'm shocked when I feel a tear slide down my face because I don't cry.

"Sev!" she whispers, her voice shaking. "What have you done?"

"I'm sorry," I say.

It seems rather pathetic given the circumstances, but I get down on my knees anyway. I'm willing to beg, even though I know there is no absolution. My soul is dead, and there is no magic that can bring you back from the dead.

"Why?" she pleads through her tears.

"They said I would be powerful and I needed to be strong, but I'm still so weak."

My eyes are still shut tight. I feel Lily's hands take mine and there is movement. I remain on my knees, whispering over and over again '_I'm sorry'_. It isn't good enough, I know that. It wasn't good enough before, what changed? Her hands are still wrapped around my own, and I feel her body moving off the bed. I open my eyes, and she's on her own knees in front of me.

"Please, Sev! Please save yourself!" she begs, tears streaming down her perfect face, her bright green eyes shining with the tears she shed for those that deserve it far more than I.

"I can't, he'll kill me," I whisper. "I'm sorry, but this has to be me now, I don't have a choice anymore."

Lily whipped her face and looked at me with a determined expression. She's nodding to herself, and I don't know why.

"Okay, okay," she's talking to herself, pacing erratically.

I stay where I am, still on my knees, always begging. I long for a way out that does not exist, and she turns to me.

"If you could turn back time? If you knew then what you know now, would you still want that mark on your arm?" she asks.

I shake my head. Having her is more important than all the power in the world - funny how we always seem to get this realisation just a little too late. Lily beams at me, and I feel lighter, maybe begging had worked.

"Will you come with me?" she asks and reaches out a hand.

"But Lily, we can't turn back time," I reply.

"No, but we can change direction."

* * *

I sat in a meeting amongst other Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself. On the table, beaten and bloody was a petite blonde haired woman, her once shining blue eyes were now filled with fear and desperation. I knew the look well, it often coincides with someone giving in, doing anything to stop the pain. It could mean that she loses the will to live. It could mean she's ready to spill important secrets. I have no idea what kind of woman Marlene McKinnon is, would she die or would she squeal?

"That's Sirius Black's bitch, right?" I ask, not giving the blonde a second glance.

"Filthy half-blood," the rather deranged Bellatrix spat.

"I don't think she has any information, my Lord." Severus bowed to the cold man at the head of the table.

The pale skinned man gestured for Severus to continue.

"While Albus still does not trust me enough to give me any real intelligence, I have been able to pick up scraps here and there. As such I have provided an extensive list of Order members. Marlene McKinnon, from what I can tell, is merely there for Sirius Black. Therefore, as far as information goes, she is likely to be useless."

"We should simply kill her, like we did the rest of her family," Travers stated.

He was a tall lanky wizard, with bushy, wire-like dark hair. His face was all sharp angles, harsh like his personality. His voice was disturbingly cold. The man didn't care about anybody or anything. Travers, however, was not like so many of the others, he was calm and collected, and as such, I found him all the more dangerous.

"My Lord," I again addressed only the head of the table. "By all means kill the half-breed, however, I thought she may be of more use."

"Severus, you have not failed to disappoint me yet, what use could you possibly find?"

"Firstly, I would get a great deal of personal enjoyment in seeing Blacks reaction to her current state. Secondly, and infinitely more importantly, I believe that Dumbledore may be a fool enough to trust me if I were to 'save' it from certain death," I spoke with a cool and calm tone, allowing the ice of my hatred for Black to fill my words. "Albus does not consider the use of people as we do, he would never consider that I am bringing someone who is of no use to us back to him. He will simply see a life saved, the fool seems to believe that all are equal."

"Wouldn't a dead body work just the same? They would still get it back," Bellatrix cackled. Her fingers itched for her wand. She moved it with almost caressing motions, and Marlene writhed in agony.

"I think I'm more likely to gain favour from returning her alive, Bellatrix," he smirked. "Though, I do think she can handle a little more." Severus smiled.

Marlene's cries filled the silent room, they all watch avidly entertained.

"I believe that is enough Bellatrix, we know what happened last time you got carried away. I think her being returned insane and unable to communicate will curry Severus about as much favour as a corpse," he hissed, the one they fear to name.

I looked at Marlene, she was so close to the end now, With a flick of my wrist, she spins in the air and landed with a heavy thump on her back. I gesture with my wand once more and she forcefully slid up the table in front of me. I looked over her with a keen eye, noticing the bloodshot eyes and the erratic pulse.

"I'm not sure it will survive apparition," I state coldly. "Not that I want to check it's pulse, but it does seem like her heart is about to explode."

"Severus, give her your special concoction," Lord Voldemort smiled. "We will give her life, but only half of it."

"You monsters," Marlene managed to stutter.

"Unicorns are not special, they are there to be used. They are a supply of potions ingredients, valuable ingredients, and no matter how far we push your body, just a drop will ensure you survive," I reply in a silky tone.

She looked at me in horror, she had no idea what my concoction truly was, she had no idea of my true allegiance. I gazed into her eyes, and I see everything and it's all fear and panic. She has no idea that I'm saving her. I reached into my robes and pulled out a small crystal vial, the liquid inside does look like unicorn blood. It was one of my more genius ideas. My willingness to slaughter the innocent creatures gave me a reputation, and I never had to kill to gain it. It was powerful healing draught that was imbued with a large quantity of unicorn hair, along with a complex transfiguration, done by Albus Dumbledore himself. It ensured that the potion looked just like the innocent creatures life source. I popped open the vial and was about to pour down her squirming throat. I knew then that she wanted to die, not squeal.

"If you don't mind, I would rather not have to touch you!" I spat.

Someone put her under some sort of curse, it looked painful, but it kept her still, frozen, and soon the my concoction was in her system. I watched as her breathing evened out and her pulse settled into a steady rhythm. She was still anything but calm.

"Severus, you may deliver her to Hogwarts at your convenience, by all means have a play before you leave."

It was clear to me what this meant, that the Dark Lord wanted to see that I enjoyed her torment, that I was not 'saving' a life. He needed to be reassured of our eagerness to fulfill any command he gave, or even a suggestion. I knew she could handle it, I knew that Madam Pomfrey would deal with whatever injuries I caused.

"I wonder if Black will still like you if we mark that pretty face?" I asked her, sneering.

I did genuinely wonder, and I felt for Marlene if Black was so self-centred that he ditched her because of the marks I would leave.

"Sectumsempra," I whisper casually.

A gash opens across her face, straight through one of her beautiful blue eyes. I can hear Bellatrix and Selwyn, two of the more unstable followers.

"We should probably heal that, I can't have you bleeding out on me, can I?" I mock lightly. "Vulnera Sanentur," I whisper, almost song-like, and the wound closes. "Where next?" I smile.

It turned my stomach to do it, but I remind myself that it saved her life. I know how far I could go. She was left with many scars before I felt I had pleased him enough to take her. I moved her by magical means until we were far enough to apparate. I landed as close to the Hogwarts grounds as possible, then I carefully lifted her into my arms, almost affectionately, and carried her directly to Albus.

She is placed gently on a chair as Albus calls Madam Pomfrey, I sit and watch Fawkes as he bursts into flames. I cannot help but draw a comparison to my own life, in that explosion I died, I figuratively killed my own soul. Then I got down on my knees and I begged for something else, something different. I couldn't believe my luck when I was born again, rising from the ashes of my own foolish and callous mistakes, so weak and vulnerable, and yet I became strong. I was proud to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading, please drop a review


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